The more I read the more afraid I become that I will never amount to the genius of other writers.
Sometimes I just want to be carefree like a little kid again.
{Photo via Weheartit}
I just want to go back to those times where mom and dad could fix everything, and they wanted to fix everything because I was small and cute and did everything they asked. Back when I didn't make any mistakes besides calling my sister a butthead. That time where tests, and papers didn't matter, all that mattered was that joyful innocence of living everyday. I wanted so badly to grow up, and now all I want is to reverse time. To be young and stupid again. To believe that the world was a good place and that I could have anything I wanted. Anything at all. Where the saddest thing in my life was that dog movie "Homeward Bound". Where I believed in myself, and didn't care what other people thought.
Back when I was happy.
{ I know I should've posted this yesterday, but man it was another crappy monday... anyway here it is!}
I have a ridiculous imagination sometimes.
{Photo via Violette on weheartit}
But not necessarily in the way one would think. I'm talking about how my imagination runs wild when a guy talks to me. *giggle* ;) It's probably proof that I'm starved for some kind of social life *cough* a boyfriend *cough*. What I'm trying to say is that if a guy even says hello to me, or asks me a question, or is nice to me I give him a smile and behind my fluttering eyelids I see something similar to this:
{Photo via photobucket}
Maybe I'm not the only girl who does that, but I think it's really funny that if a guy gives me a smile I'm planning our first date, our first kiss, our wedding day. My mind takes off, and suddenly our entire future is planned out right down to sitting on an old front porch in creaky rocking chairs.
This really showcases my inner romantic, the closet side of me that I only reveal on special occasions/when I'm feeling particularly lonely, or down on myself. I want a life full of long walks on the beach, romantic candlelight dinners
But it really showcases my inner romantic, I guess. I want long walks on the beach, dinner and movie dates, actually any date.
I'm really shy/bashful I'm never brave enough to get to know a guy well enough, and make friends with a guy who then could ask me on a date. I know that it's really my anti-socialness that's the problem, and hopefully I can work on that.
But I still let my imagination run wild. I still see me being happy with the random guy who smiled at me.
{Photo via photobucket}
I'm afraid to face the world.
{Via Sabino on Weheartit}
When things get hard, I just want to look away. Turn around. Give up. Things are scary out there. Being an adult, and accountable for your actions and choices is scary. The world can be harsh, but perhaps if we're brave enough, to turn around a look, there will be a lot of good things to see.
So take a deep breath, and face it.
I hate applying myself.
{photo via photobucket}
Now really, how stupid of a secret is that? But it's the truth. I hate having to try hard. I just want to be good at it. I don't want to study for hours, I don't want to have to do my homework to get good grades. I don't want to move up to a better paying position because I'd actually have to try at work. I often don't write just because it's hard. And why am I like that? I don't want to be. I don't want to be that kind of lazy. I want to work for it, because it always tastes sweeter that way. I think it probably goes back to the change issue. I don't want to change for anything. I want to stay the same, for time to be unmoving. But I know that things have to keep chugging on. I know that I have to work hard.
But it doesn't change the fact that I don't want to. :)
I have so neglected you! School started, and whoom off it goes. But I'm making a goal to take time to keep blogging because I do love it so!
Secret #3
I'm afraid of people. Afraid of what they think of me, of what they see in me, of what they want from me. How stupid is that, really? You can't run your life off of people's opinions of you. I know this, and yet, the doubt, the shyness. It's still there. And I still worry.
I'm afraid I'll never be good enough to do the things I want to do.
See the thing about writing is that it's very subjective. People have to like it for you to make a living off of it, right? So instead of spending my time actually doing what I'm good at, I spend it pondering whether or not I'll ever actually get a chance to do it (as in get published, have readers, etc.) And does that really make any sense?
Shouldn't I spend my time doing it instead of worrying about it?
Just write.
I love that phrase, it's simple yet speaks volumes. Pack away the worry, and the fact that I secretly doubt my worth, and just do it because I love it.
I'm lonely.
Kind of pathetic for someone who acknowledges themselves a shut in. But both are really true, and it stinks. I used to have a best friend, until she went away to college and forgot me. Now It's just me, myself, and I. In the beginning I didn't really mind, I've always been kind of a loner. But a couple years of being a loner has got me feeling like such a lamer.
The weird thing is, that I have had opportunity to meet other people, I mean seriously... I'm in college!! But what's my deal? Why can't I break out, and actually get to know someone? Why do I hide from the world?
Maybe because it's taking the easy road. I don't have to put any effort into friendship.
Or because I'm afraid that by putting myself out there I'll get rejected and hurt.
But what is life if you don't take chances? Looking down the road at being a shut in for the rest of my life is kind of scary. I don't want to live alone with a billion cats. Really I don't.
So all of you out there who aren't shut ins, do you have any advice? :)
